Feel

November 13, 2008

Guilty

My best friend from collage (A) has a little boy.  She sent me an invite to his christening and I deliberately ‘forgot’ about it until it was too late to confirm if we could go.  Then when she called to ask if I was going I made up some excuse about already having plans.  I lied and said I hadn’t received her invite. 

Why?

Well, firstly she is super religious and I could not face going to church and sitting with her family.  Ok so I could just go to the reception thingy?…no, because lots of old friend would be there and I just cannot face them.  I cant explain why the thought of seeing everybody sends me into a panic!   So I feel bad and I know she was upset even though she said it was ok and not to worry.  Babysitting was not a problem because she wanted ALL of us to go.  Anyway there is no point feeling crap over something that is done with.  Jack had his MMR injection today.  He is late having it because when he got his appointment he also had a bad cold and so I didnt want to risk him getting poorly…plus I think delaying it in his case is for the best, he is stronger now and so I took him today.  He didnt cry…just took the chocolate button from the nurse, jumped down from my knee and walked off.  Oh so nonchalant!!

Joy

October 30, 2008

Rare Romance

October 24, 2008

This is a song M has been going on and on about for ages! Its practically the only way he knows to be romantic ha! so this is ‘officially’ our song.  He put it on tonight (0n D3maNd on telly) and told the kids this was for me.  If you listen to the words you will understand why it made me cry :)

Baby J is now offically a toddler!  ta da! he walked yesterday for the first time and today he wouldnt stop! Those little legs must be worn out :)

This is Creepily Right…

October 22, 2008

Your result for Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz…

You Are an Ingrid!

mm.ingrid_.jpg

You are an Ingrid — “I am unique”

Ingrids have sensitive feelings and are warm and perceptive.

How to Get Along with Me

  • * Give me plenty of compliments. They mean a lot to me.
  • * Be a supportive friend or partner. Help me to learn to love and value myself.
  • * Respect me for my special gifts of intuition and vision.
  • * Though I don’t always want to be cheered up when I’m feeling melancholy, I sometimes like to have someone lighten me up a little.
  • * Don’t tell me I’m too sensitive or that I’m overreacting!

What I Like About Being an Ingrid

  • * my ability to find meaning in life and to experience feeling at a deep level
  • * my ability to establish warm connections with people
  • * admiring what is noble, truthful, and beautiful in life
  • * my creativity, intuition, and sense of humor
  • * being unique and being seen as unique by others
  • * having aesthetic sensibilities
  • * being able to easily pick up the feelings of people around me

What’s Hard About Being an Ingrid

  • * experiencing dark moods of emptiness and despair
  • * feelings of self-hatred and shame; believing I don’t deserve to be loved
  • * feeling guilty when I disappoint people
  • * feeling hurt or attacked when someone misundertands me
  • * expecting too much from myself and life
  • * fearing being abandoned
  • * obsessing over resentments
  • * longing for what I don’t have

Ingrids as Children Often

  • * have active imaginations: play creatively alone or organize playmates in original games
  • * are very sensitive
  • * feel that they don’t fit in
  • * believe they are missing something that other people have
  • * attach themselves to idealized teachers, heroes, artists, etc.
  • * become antiauthoritarian or rebellious when criticized or not understood
  • * feel lonely or abandoned (perhaps as a result of a death or their parents’ divorce)

Ingrids as Parents

  • * help their children become who they really are
  • * support their children’s creativity and originality
  • * are good at helping their children get in touch with their feelings
  • * are sometimes overly critical or overly protective
  • * are usually very good with children if not too self-absorbed

Take Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz at HelloQuizzy

Grumpy Kitties

October 20, 2008

When the children were all poorly with that tummy bug a while ago.  I made them each (apart from Matty…too girlie!) a knitted kitten.  Just because I have this Blue Faced Lecister wool which I really need to use up.  They didnt mean to be grumpy! just turned out that way.  Well it brought a smile to their faces and gave me something to do at 2am…3am…4am inbetween mopping brows and cleaning vomit :)

Knitting

October 15, 2008

I had a separate blog for knitting stuff, but I keep forgetting to update it!  I joined Ravelry a while ago and Ive been hooked ever since!  Is knitting still boring?  well I dont care, its creative enough to keep me sane yet easy enough to not frustrate me :)  So I decided to scrap that place and stick it all on here.  After all here is where my mates are, so thats who I want to share with.  Latest project too 3 days, which is a miricle.  I always thought a Clapotis would be difficult and long so never started one.  Until I thought, why not just make a scarf size one (normally they are huge like wrap or shawl) at least Id find it easy to finish!  So I did it and Im really pleased!  lovely clashy colours with my red hair but that is fun! and not ‘normal’ so I like that :) here it is.

More detail, I love the shine, its an alpaca/silk blend (ethical silk!!)

Shocking isnt it lol *manic laughter*

Pride

October 12, 2008

Im feeling it. 
When you have children, every little thing they learn to do is a fantastic amazing jolt of pride for you.  Because as a mother, a baby is your ‘creation’ your own work…ok and their dads too ;) 
So even tiny achievements seem magnified. 
Of course you cant have the good without the bad and so every tiny thing they do ‘wrong’ seems like your fault! but the amazing things really do outweigh the bad.  Which is how it should be! how else would the human race carry on? 
That tiny red faced baby with the ability to rip your brain up into shreds with its crying, will one day (even the next day!) make you melt and feel love you could never ever know. 
Its different, loving a child, its not like any other kind of love.  It can feel like sorrow, like heartbreak, like an explosion.  But the fact you are feeling is proof of the love.  Feelings are powerful and amazing. 

I have four children and I am proud of each and every one of them in a different way, each day, for different reasons.  What makes me realise it, and brings it all into focus is somebody else, an outsider, a teacher being proud of one of my children. 
Fireworks and cannons and sparklers!!! all hidden inside me when I hear from my 10 year old daughters teacher how amazed and proud she is of her.  How she has been given a head teachers award for a poem she wrote. 
I always knew my daughter would write, and now she has shown others her talents. 
Her class was asked to write a poem about an emotion.  She chose Anger.

ANGER

Anger is a dark red snake
Slithering around your neck

Anger’s voice is a whisper
Hissing in your ear

Anger hits you in the chest
And tells you what to do

Anger is a red worm
Squirming in the pit of your stomach

Anger slithers through your ear
Bossing your brain about

Anger is a witch
Putting you under her evil curse

Anger controls you against your will
And decides when to lift the spell

Anger is a piece of paper that fell and fell
Into the fire and became the fire itself.

Vellum

October 3, 2008

Lovely word.  Sooo, we all have had a tummy bug, blegh.  Jack has had his first haircut.  Those beautiful curls were just getting way out of hand!  Since he discovered he has hair he insists on massaging whatever is on his hands into it…like, beans or cheese or..well anything.  So he looks all grown up, havent took any pics yet, may do that tonight.  I kept his hair….its sweet, just like I did the others :)

I have decided that due to the economic climate (and the fact that Im broke)I will let all of my domains run out.  I will not renew any of them.  No point really.  The only one I will keep is Silverscribe, and thats because B paid me for that space, not sure how long is left but I wouldn’t dream of just not renewing it without discussing it with her!  I mean Im not like some people, who ruin lives then…wait, woah not going there! STOP

SIlly cow next door was at it again the other night.  We called the police, before things got out of hand.  She has gone into hiding.  Havent seen or heard her in a day or two and thats perfect.  I keep meaning to write about ADHD and my views on it.  Keep meaning to but time doesn’t let me.

blah

September 27, 2008

Yesterday WAS my birthday…thanks Vick for dropping in :) As I get older birthdays get more and more insignificant.  Not because I feel Im getting old ect but just…I have more important things to do.  Like figure out how to get the 300 quid needed for eldest residential activity thing she will go on next year.  For 2 nights and 3 days of ab sailing, climbing, swimming its going to be 300 quid…I was in shock.

This credit crunch thing is getting bad.  I have always had to shop on a budget, with 4 kids you can do much else! but now its getting serious.  I could blame America… but lots are doing that.  I will just continue to scrape and save as much as I can :(

The silly cow next door has been at it again.  Last Friday her 18yr old daughter went away/out for the night.  She was on her own, then we hear young lads voices…maybe 3.  Music blasting, windows wide open…yay party!  NO..NOT YAY!…They were loud…which is ok once in a while yes?….After 11pm I wanted it too quiet down, but there was no way m or I would go and ask them to be quieter.  They sounded as if they were smashing up the house!  Seriously!,
There was fighting and motorbikes up next to her front door.  M and I lay awake until 5am listening to it all. 
It ended with HER (a 36 year old WOMAN) physically fighting and hitting one young girl, which may have been a girlfriend of one of the lads.  Then shouting and screaming up the street.  She obviously has mental problems, and the is on various drugs (legal and illegal) but why the hell should I have to live next door to that?  WHY!!!
Oh and the best bit…when M saw her the day after, and told her if it happened again he would call the police…she denied it was her.  She said she was out at a friends and it must have been her daughter and friends.  If it wasnt so disgusting she would be funny.

Went to mams lastnight for my birthday cake :) was persuaded by H to have a photo taken and so I did.

What else can I do to mark turning 37?…..oh yes, cut my own hair! ‘Do a Brittney’ as my mam said..lol.  Text talking to Zoe about wanting to have uber-short hair made me go do lally.  On Thursday night after Id made tea I got out M’s clippers.  I used a number 6..lol, on the back and sides and then hand cut the rest to blent in.  ITs waaaay too short.  I did leave my fringe and little wavey bits around my ears so its not so boyish I hope. Now I think I look like a spikey Servalan (from Blakes 7) I will upload photos to Flickr later if you REALLY want a fright!  Amy thinks I should dye it bright pink.  ;p

Have a little black kitten hanging around, about 6 months old.  Just like ollie but a girl and with a white patch on her chest.  Think she may belong to the family 3 doors away.  But seems to live in my garden at the moment.  Far too little to be out all night dont you think?..She was freezing thismorning, so I gave her some chicken and water which she scoffed in about 3 seconds.  Poor baby

I Take it All Back!

September 17, 2008

I do not love SEPTEMBER anymore!  Its full of stress, shit and stupidness!!! 
My calendar hangs in my kitchen it is FULL! of birthdays, appointments, kids parties, doctors appointments. 

It was Beccy’s 6th birthday last Saturday (13th) I agreed to a small party at my house. 
IT grew until there was a house full of excited kids and water guns!!!! yes the older boys disappeared outside and I caught them mid water fight…soaked to the skin….. I almost erupted!!! it was crazy but Birthday girl had a great time which is most important!

There was cake and balloons and music and dancing! Everything a 6 year old girl could want.

Im just mentally drained